What is a Donor Egg Pregnancy Really Like? One Mother's Story

As I write this, I am currently 5 weeks pregnant with my second donor egg pregnancy. I can’t believe I’m even typing these words - pregnant! We have been trying for almost three years to give my daughter a sibling and have exhausted all the embryos we had from her egg donor. We were faced with the hard decision to stop trying or start all over again with a new donor — and I am so glad we did.

The road to my first donor egg pregnancy

My first journey to pregnancy was very different from this one. My husband and I had been through four years of treatment with multiple IUIs, IVFs, surgeries, and even multiple egg donors with various agencies. Back then, infertility was my life, and infertility grief had consumed every piece of my being. I didn’t go to parties or plan vacations. I didn’t eat certain foods. In the summer, I drank warm drinks and wore UGG boots because someone told me these things would help me get pregnant. I did everything humanly possible to get pregnant; meanwhile, friends and family were getting pregnant left and right. I had gone to a very dark place mentally.

I could feel everyone walking on eggshells around me, and all I wanted to do was run and hide. Crying in my car became the new normal. The fake smiles were wearing out. It was a dark place to live. I lived there for about three years. We took a year off from fertility treatments and traveled the world. I started to find myself again. I was able to get myself to about 50% back to who I was when we decided to jump back in. We found a new doctor and a new egg donor and got pregnant on the first try.

That pregnancy changed my entire life.

Bonding with my baby during pregnancy

From the moment I saw the picture of my embryo, I knew it was my baby. I had been so worried for so long about connecting or bonding to a child via someone else’s eggs, and here I was, swooning over a black-and-white photo of a bunch of cells.

It was the first time I could actually see myself as a mom.

I know bonding happens differently for mothers and their babies, but my bond with my firstborn was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Being pregnant with her was such a huge honor. We got to go everywhere together! She got to learn my voice, my laugh, and my inner energy for nine whole months. I got to bond with her from the moment she became a life.

Overcoming fears about using donor eggs

Using donor eggs to get pregnant isn’t something you can understand until you have gone through it. I worked myself up so much about a bunch of fears and lies I was telling myself, and my daughter took all those away. I went from feeling like the most unlucky person in the world to the absolute luckiest. I wish I had known back then that the hardest thing I would experience in life would lead me to the absolute best.

I went from feeling like the most unlucky person in the world to the absolute luckiest.

How is a second donor egg pregnancy different?

Now, with my second pregnancy via egg donation, I am not worried about the same things. I’m not worried about the bond or attachment due to the lack of DNA connection. Instead, I’m worried about things I think most pregnant mothers of their second child worry about — like how will I ever love my second child as much as I love my first? Or, how will I ever take care of a newborn and a 4-year-old at the same time?

Does a donor egg pregnancy feel different from other pregnancies?

I get a lot of questions about what to expect in a donor egg pregnancy, but I don’t think it’s any different than any other type of pregnancy! Every pregnancy is unique, and when it comes to nausea, bloating, sore breasts, ankles on swole, etc., it doesn’t matter whose eggs you used to get pregnant. Pregnant is pregnant!

Pregnant is pregnant!

Why it can feel different emotionally

With that said, I do think what is different is how you feel emotionally.

When you finally get pregnant after struggling with infertility for so long, it can be a huge mental undertaking. It’s an identity shift, and it takes time to transition.

I remember in my first trimester feeling like I didn’t know where I fit in. I didn’t fit in with the fertile pregnant women, but I also didn’t quite fit in with the infertility community either. It was really important for me to find others who had been through pregnancy with donor eggs to lean on and feel supported emotionally.

I had to constantly remind myself that this was my pregnancy, and it was different from everyone else’s, and that’s what made it special.

I’m not a “normal” pregnant woman, I’m an extraordinary pregnant woman! Hear me roar!

How can you connect with your baby while pregnant?

I don’t know about you, but I wholeheartedly believe that babies choose their parents. Creating the right mental space and energy for that soul connection to come in is way more important than most might think. There are a lot of very powerful ways to start connecting and communicating with your baby, whether it be through visuals, music, sounds, symbols, or just speaking to them directly.

Is there a biological connection in a donor egg pregnancy?

I will never take for granted the biological connection I have to my children by carrying them. My womb is the first place they both lived. My body gave both of my baby’s embryos signals as to which genes to turn on and off, otherwise known as epigenetics: Epi “on top of” genetics. This means my womb (the environment they both grew in) can change the way their genes are expressed.

My body gave my daughter’s body everything she needed to be welcomed into the world.

Pretty cool, right?

Finding connection beyond DNA

I feel quite grateful that I have been able to expand my ways of connecting to my pregnancies, ways I might not have even known about had my babies been created from my egg. I have gotten to love my soul babies way before they were even in my womb or my arms.

If you can open your heart and mind to all of the beautiful connections that exist outside of DNA, there is a whole world of beauty out there waiting for you, and it just might lead you to your soul child.

Read more from Victoria’s series on donor conception

Choosing an egg donor three times

What Victoria looked for each time she chose a donor, from health history to the relationship she wanted.

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10 tips for bonding with your baby via donor eggs

Practical ideas for connecting with your baby, written for parents who worry about bonding without a genetic link.

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Letting go of the genetic child I imagined

How Victoria worked through grief over genetics before she moved forward with donor eggs.

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Should I use donor eggs? Will I have regrets?

A mom through donor eggs responds to the question many intended parents ask before they decide.

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Will my baby look like me?

Victoria talks through the question of resemblance from her own experience, in a blog post and video.

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Epigenetics and donor eggs

An introduction to epigenetics and why many moms via donor eggs find meaning in the connection that begins in pregnancy.

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More from the Donor Nexus blog

• Fresh vs. Frozen Donor Eggs: 5 Important Factors to Compare: how the two programs differ on cost, timing, and logistics.
• Navigating Donor Conception: Understanding Privacy vs. Secrecy: where families draw the line between what is private and what is kept hidden.
• Explaining Donor Conception to Your Child: Dos and Don'ts: how and when to start the conversation, and the wording that tends to land well.
• IVF Pregnancy Announcements: Tips and Creative Ideas: ways to share the news when the road to it was long.