Infertility Grief: 7 Tips for Coping and Embracing Donor Egg IVF

Originally written in 2022, last updated September 2026

Infertility grief is the deep sense of loss that can come with trying to conceive and not getting pregnant, and it often builds quietly over months or years of negative tests, failed cycles and hard conversations. This guide explains what grieving infertility can look like, walks through the 7 stages of grief as they often show up during infertility, shares how to cope with infertility from someone who lived it, and covers when infertility grief counseling can help.

What is infertility grief?

Infertility grief is mourning the pregnancy, baby and family life you imagined but have not been able to have. It can include grief over failed IVF cycles, lost genetic connection, time, money and the version of your life you expected. Many people describe waves of shock, anger, guilt and sadness that feel a lot like losing a loved one.

What makes it different is that the loss is repeated and often invisible. Every cycle brings new hope, and every negative test can bring the grief back, sometimes before you have had time to process the last one.

Why grieving infertility can feel so isolating

Grief researchers use the term disenfranchised grief for losses that other people do not openly recognize or support.¹ Infertility fits that description closely. There is no funeral, no card and often no time off work, and friends may not know what happened. In one study of women's experiences, participants said their grief was often minimized or dismissed by family, friends and the people around them.²

The emotional weight of infertility has been measured, too. In a 1993 study comparing women with different medical conditions, women with infertility reported overall psychological symptoms at levels similar to women with cancer, women in cardiac rehabilitation and women with high blood pressure,³ so if infertility feels like it has taken over your life, that reaction makes sense given what you are carrying.

How to cope with infertility grief: 7 lessons from Victoria

Victoria Niño, founder of Infertility Unfiltered and author of the children's book Our Hearts Match, spent eight years coping with infertility before becoming a mother through donor eggs. The lessons below are in her own words.

For so long, my husband and I were the only ones who bore the pain of coping with infertility. In public, we put on our happy faces. We did our best to help each other cope, while also trying to cope ourselves.

Infertility grief is all-consuming. Triggers are everywhere: pregnant women, babies, pregnancy announcements, people asking “So, when are you going to have kids?” Just going to Target can feel emotionally overwhelming. I started avoiding baby showers because I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. I had run out of happy faces. I avoided birthday parties, family gatherings, and social events.

1. Feel your emotions

When it comes to coping with infertility, grief is very real. It is absolutely, without a doubt, grief that you are experiencing. There are a lot of parallels between losing a loved one and infertility grief, yet most people don’t even consider that infertility is grief, because the loss is invisible.

And I’m sure to you, it is anything but invisible. It is the first thing we think about when we wake up in the morning and the last thing we think about when we go to sleep.

The grief that comes with infertility isn’t a loss you can accept as gone, either. Many of us have been holding on to a vision of a family for years, and it’s not something we can just let go of, and with every opportunity to conceive, new hope arrives.

One negative pregnancy test can feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest as you start the infertility grieving process all over again. We never get to fully grieve, because we dust our shoulders off, piece our hearts back together, and open that same heart up to the same thing that tore it up.

Take time to self-reflect and feel your emotions as they come. The next six steps share ways to help process and overcome the feelings of grief associated with infertility.

2. Talk about it

For the longest time, the only person I would open up to was my husband and I know this responsibility weighed on him heavily. He, too, was going through his own emotional battle, while trying to ease my pain and dry all my tears along the way. It wasn't until I started talking about my disease to others that I began to heal.

This process had multiple steps.

First, I told my therapist and my journal, then I opened up to a few friends I knew had struggled with infertility, then a few more close friends that I trusted, and then family, and eventually the whole world through my blog.

I started getting support from people that I desperately needed long ago. I started hearing personal infertility stories from close friends and family members that I had no idea about. And most importantly, I didn’t have to keep any more secrets about “why” we didn't have kids yet. I no longer had to hide my illness or cry in my car.

I was finally free.

If you can start by telling one person, and then another, it will get easier, and the grief will feel a little lighter, little by little. If you are not sure where to start, these tips for talking about infertility can help.

3. Join a support group and process your emotions

I highly recommend joining a support group. There is no other group of women out there that can validate your pain in the way someone who has been through it can. If you are exploring donor conception, there are also donor egg support groups made up of people on the same path.

Making space to experience painful emotions allows us to practice our resilience and grow.

You can also seek the help of an experienced infertility therapist to have a safe space to discuss and work through your emotions.

4. Practice gratitude

Think of one thing you have to be grateful for and focus on that. Then think of another and another. Maybe it’s just the fact that you have a roof over your head, or that you are healthy. Start making a gratitude list and keep it handy for triggers. When you get hit by an unexpected pregnancy announcement you can immediately reference your list.

Research on gratitude exercises has found small but meaningful drops in symptoms of depression and anxiety,⁶ and a gratitude list can sit alongside other stress management strategies for infertility. It’s a practice that can truly change your life.

5. Give yourself grace

Remove any judgment of yourself. We must allow ourselves to grieve and go through the steps and not judge ourselves for it. Cut yourself some slack. Picture a woman who just lost her husband sitting in the front row of a wedding. You’d cut her slack if she was angry or sad, right? You’d forgive her if she got up and left in the middle of the ceremony, right?

Infertility grief is grief. Cut yourself the same slack as you would that woman.

It is incredibly important to feel the feelings of infertility grief. Burying them or avoiding them will just bottle them up to explode at a later date. Letting them out in a healthy way, little by little, can help better prepare you for triggers.

6. Know that you will survive infertility

I will be honest, some days you will feel like you are dying. You will feel like this is the worst possible thing that could happen to you. You will feel like life is over.

Life isn’t fair, I know.

But, guess what? You aren’t dying. This isn’t the worst possible thing that could happen to you, and your life certainly isn’t over. Pain teaches us who we really are, and getting to that beautiful person deep down inside means you are going to have to go through some really hard things first. But you can do hard things. You are a mother in the making. You are a warrior.

You will get through this, the pain will lessen, and the wounds will heal, but you can’t do it alone. Trust me, I tried. I can honestly say that after all we have been through, all the pain, the financial debt, the lost friendships, and the deep emotional sadness, I still wouldn’t change a thing.

My child wouldn’t be the same person if I hadn’t experienced infertility, my marriage wouldn’t be as strong, and neither would I.

I survived infertility, and so will you.

7. Consider alternative paths to parenthood

Starting the donor egg process can be emotionally and physically overwhelming. It took me and my husband about six months of pondering and discussing before we were willing to even consider exploring the idea. I’m not sure which was harder, deciding to use donor eggs or choosing the donor herself. It’s all really scary.

In my post on donor egg grief, I share some things that have worked for me when working through grieving my genetics and coping with using donor eggs.

Infertility grief counseling and support

Infertility grief counseling is support from a mental health professional who understands fertility treatment and the losses that come with it. According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), counselors may be psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, psychiatric nurses or marriage and family therapists.⁹ Sessions can focus on grief, anxiety, relationship strain, decisions about treatment, or simply having a place to say the hard things out loud.

The European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology (ESHRE) notes that 1 to 2 in 10 women have clinically significant depressive symptoms after unsuccessful treatment, and it recommends referring patients at risk of emotional problems to infertility counseling or psychotherapy.⁷ A review of 39 studies found that psychosocial support, including cognitive behavioral therapy and mind-body programs, was linked to improvements in psychological distress, with larger benefits seen among women.⁸ You can learn more about the benefits of therapy during fertility treatment in our related post.

Signs it may be time to talk with a counselor

ASRM suggests considering counseling if you notice any of the following:⁹

• Sadness, guilt or feelings of worthlessness that do not lift
• Pulling away from friends, family or activities you used to enjoy
• Thinking about infertility almost constantly
• Strain or conflict in your relationship
• Changes in sleep, appetite or concentration
• Anxiety or mood swings that affect daily life
• Thoughts of death or suicide

How to find an infertility counselor or support group

Your fertility clinic is often the easiest place to start, since many clinics work with counselors who specialize in reproductive health. ASRM's patient site, ReproductiveFacts.org, also offers a guide to finding infertility counseling. For free peer support, RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association lists in-person and virtual support groups, and Victoria's organization, Infertility Unfiltered, offers a six-week guided virtual series.

Counseling when you are considering donor eggs

ASRM notes that working with a fertility counselor may be especially helpful when you are considering egg, sperm or embryo donation.⁹ A counselor can help you work through grief over a genetic connection, talk through how and when to share your family's story, and make sure you and your partner feel settled before you move forward. If you are starting to think about this path, our post on deciding when to make the leap to donor eggs is a good next read.

The 7 stages of grief in infertility

The 7 stages of grief are a popular expansion of the five stages Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described in 1969.⁴ Grief researchers have cautioned that people do not move through stages in a fixed order, and treating the stages as a checklist can leave people feeling they are grieving the wrong way.⁵ With infertility, it is common to move back and forth between stages, or feel several at once, as each cycle, test result or pregnancy announcement stirs things up again.

The table below shows how each stage can show up while you are trying to conceive, along with small ways to cope.

The seven stages are adapted from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief. They describe common experiences, and most people do not move through them in order.⁴

Certain moments tend to bring grief back to the surface, including due dates, baby showers, Mother's Day and the holidays. Planning for those days ahead of time, even if the plan is simply to skip an event, can make them a little easier.

Frequently asked questions about infertility grief

Is it normal to grieve infertility?

Yes, grieving infertility is a normal response to a real loss, even when there was never a confirmed pregnancy. You may be grieving the baby you pictured, a genetic connection, the timeline you planned, or the ease other people seem to have. Because this kind of loss is rarely acknowledged by others, it can feel lonely, which is one reason support groups and counseling help so many people.²

What are the 7 stages of grief in infertility?

The 7 stages of grief often used to describe infertility are shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression and loneliness, the upward turn, reconstruction and working through, and acceptance and hope. Most people do not move through them in order, and it is common to revisit earlier stages after a negative test or failed cycle.⁵

How long does infertility grief last?

There is no set timeline for infertility grief. Because hope and loss can repeat with every cycle, grief often comes in waves rather than fading steadily. Many people find it softens over time, especially with support, but reminders like pregnancy announcements, due dates or holidays can bring it back even years later.

What happens in infertility grief counseling?

In infertility grief counseling, you meet with a mental health professional who understands fertility treatment, either alone or with your partner. Sessions may focus on processing loss, coping with triggers, managing anxiety during treatment, and working through decisions such as when to stop treatment or whether to use donor eggs. Approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy have been studied in people going through infertility.⁸

How can I support my partner through infertility grief?

Partners often grieve differently, so it helps to make room for both styles instead of expecting to feel the same thing at the same time. Ask what your partner needs after appointments or test results, share the load of telling family and friends, and consider a support group or couples counseling if you keep hitting the same wall. As Victoria shares above, leaning only on each other can leave both of you running on empty.

Sources

1. Doka KJ, ed. Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow. Lexington Books; 1989.
2. McBain TD, Reeves P. Women’s experience of infertility and disenfranchised grief. The Family Journal. 2019;27(2):156-166.
3. Domar AD, Zuttermeister PC, Friedman R. The psychological impact of infertility: a comparison with patients with other medical conditions. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics and Gynaecology. 1993;14 Suppl:45-52.
4. Kübler-Ross E. On Death and Dying. Macmillan; 1969.
5. Stroebe M, Schut H, Boerner K. Cautioning health-care professionals: bereaved persons are misguided through the stages of grief. OMEGA: Journal of Death and Dying. 2017;74(4):455-473.
6. Cregg DR, Cheavens JS. Gratitude interventions: effective self-help? A meta-analysis of the impact on symptoms of depression and anxiety. Journal of Happiness Studies. 2021;22(1):413-445.
7. Gameiro S, Boivin J, Dancet E, et al. ESHRE guideline: routine psychosocial care in infertility and medically assisted reproduction, a guide for fertility staff. Human Reproduction. 2015;30(11):2476-2485.
8. Frederiksen Y, Farver-Vestergaard I, Skovgård NG, Ingerslev HJ, Zachariae R. Efficacy of psychosocial interventions for psychological and pregnancy outcomes in infertile women and men: a systematic review and meta-analysis. BMJ Open. 2015;5(1):e006592.
9. American Society for Reproductive Medicine. Infertility counseling and support: when and where to find it. ReproductiveFacts.org; revised 2023.

Keep reading

What Happens After IVF Fails? Grief, Donor Eggs, and Finding Your Way ForwardWhat to ask after a failed cycle, how age affects your options, and Victoria's advice on the grief that comes with it.Read the guideDonor Egg Grief: How I Let Go of the Genetic Child I ImaginedVictoria on grieving her genetics and finding her footing as a mother through donor eggs.Read Victoria's storyShould I Use Donor Eggs? Will I Have Any Regrets?Victoria answers the question so many intended parents ask before they move forward with donor eggs.Read the post