How to Talk to Your Child About Donor Conception

Telling a child they were conceived with the help of an egg donor is one of the conversations parents think about most, often long before their baby arrives. Families who have been through it, along with the researchers and counselors who study donor conception, largely agree on what helps.

You do not need a perfect script to start. This guide covers when to begin, what words to use at each age, the dos and don'ts other parents have learned, and where to find support.

How do you talk to your child about donor conception?

Talk to your child about donor conception the same way you would share any important family story: early, in small pieces, and with warmth. Tell them how much they were wanted, explain that you needed some help to have them, and let the details grow as their understanding does.

Many parents find it helps to think of this as an ongoing conversation that unfolds over years. Lisa Schuman, LCSW, a psychotherapist who works with donor conception families, put it this way in a post for the Donor Nexus blog: "It is now common knowledge that speaking to donor-conceived children about their origins early and often is most helpful." She also reminds parents, "The most important aspect of this is doing it, it does not need to be perfect."

A few principles run through most expert advice:

• Lead with love. Let your child know that many people worked together because you wanted them so much.
• Be accurate and simple. Young children need short, true statements, and older children can take in more about eggs, genes and the donor's role.
• Keep it ordinary. Mention the story casually over the years so it feels like a normal part of family life.
• Follow their lead. Answer the question your child is asking, and let them know they can always come back with more.

When should you tell your child they were donor conceived?

The Donor Conception Network, a UK parent organization, recommends "starting the process of sharing information with your child before they reach about seven and ideally before they turn five."¹ The goal, in its words, is that "a child should grow up not being able to remember a time when they didn't know about their origins by donor conception."

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) strongly encourages parents to tell their children, while recognizing that the choice is theirs. Its Ethics Committee notes that research suggests advantages to sharing during the preschool and school-age years, before puberty.² ASRM also points out that unplanned disclosure has become more likely as genetic testing and DNA databases grow, which means a secret kept today may not stay kept.

Long-term research supports starting early. A study that followed families created through reproductive donation from age 1 to age 14 concluded that the earlier children were told about their biological origins, the more positive their family relationships and psychological wellbeing were in adolescence.³

If your child is already older, it is not too late. The Donor Conception Network publishes separate guides for telling children ages 8 to 11, 12 to 16, and 17 and older for the first time.

What should you say at each age?

What you say should match what your child can understand. Young children think in concrete terms, while tweens and teens are ready for biology, genetics and questions about identity.

Lisa Schuman offers a helpful anchor for any age: "all people, no matter what families look like, are all created with a sperm, an egg, and a uterus." Focusing on that shared starting point helps children see their story as one version of something every person has in common.

Victoria Niño, a mother through egg donation, describes how she weaves the story into everyday moments with her daughter: "I'm constantly experimenting with different ways of explaining this to my three-year-old, and find it easiest to casually mention where she gets things from as they come up, like her button nose from her donor, her beautiful eyes from dada, and her sense of humor from mama."

What are the dos and don'ts of explaining donor conception?

The most useful dos and don'ts come from parents and donor-conceived people who have lived this. They center on openness, respectful language and patience.

Privacy and secrecy are different. You decide who outside your family knows, but your child should never feel that their own story is something to hide. If your child asks to meet the donor, a response such as "maybe someday" keeps the conversation open. Whether contact is possible later depends on whether your donor was nonidentified, identified or Open ID, which our guide to nonidentified, identified and Open ID donation explains.

How can a storybook help tell your child's donor conception story?

A storybook gives you words when you are not sure where to start, and gives your child something to return to on their own. Picture books about different kinds of families show that families can look different, and books about donor conception explain the mechanics in a storybook, technical or metaphorical style.

Lisa Schuman also encourages parents to make a personal book about how their child came to be, including the people who helped and small family anecdotes. "Children love reading stories that are about them," she writes. Many parents find the process calms their own nerves, too.

The Donor Conception Network's Telling and Talking booklets are another resource, grouped by age from birth to 7 up through adulthood.¹

What if you are afraid to tell your child?

Feeling nervous about this conversation is common, especially if you still carry grief about not sharing your genes with your child, and that fear often eases once parents see how naturally young children accept the story.

Some parents worry that their child will feel less connected to them once they know. The science of pregnancy offers some reassurance: the mother carrying the pregnancy influences how her baby's genes are expressed, which our article on epigenetics and donor eggs explains.

Support can make a big difference. A counselor who specializes in donor conception can help you plan what to say, and online communities such as the Donor Sibling Registry and RESOLVE support groups connect you with families who have been there. As your child grows, you may also want to read about connecting with donor-related siblings.

If you are still choosing a donor, think about what your child may want to know one day. The Donor Nexus Frozen Egg Bank offers both Non-ID and Open ID donors, and with Open ID a donor-conceived person can request contact after turning 18. You can browse donor profiles to see the kind of background information donors share.

If you're still weighing your options, our guides to using donor eggs, working with an egg donor agency and our frozen donor egg bank walk through each path. You can also search the egg donor database to see the background information donors share.

Frequently asked questions

At what age should you tell a child they were donor conceived?

Most experts recommend starting before age 7, and ideally before 5, so the child cannot remember a time before they knew. ASRM notes advantages to sharing during the preschool and school-age years, before puberty.

What do you say to a young child about egg donation?

Keep it short and loving, for example: "Sometimes parents need a little help to make a baby, and a kind woman gave us a special gift so we could have you." Add detail as your child grows and asks questions.

Is it harmful to tell a child they were conceived with donor eggs?

Research does not suggest early telling harms children. A long-term study found that the earlier children learned about their origins, the more positive their family relationships and wellbeing were at age 14.

Should I call the egg donor my child's mother?

No, most families use words like "donor" or "helper" to describe her role, and keep "mom" for the parent raising the child. You can still speak about the donor warmly and with gratitude.

What if my child wants to meet the donor?

Try not to shut the question down, since a gentle answer such as "maybe someday" keeps the door open. Whether contact is possible later depends on the type of donation your family chose.

Sources

1. Donor Conception Network. Telling and talking. dcnetwork.org
2. Ethics Committee of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. Informing offspring of their conception by gamete or embryo donation: an Ethics Committee opinion. Fertility and Sterility. 2018;109:601-605. asrm.org
3. Ilioi E, Blake L, Jadva V, Roman G, Golombok S. The role of age of disclosure of biological origins in the psychological wellbeing of adolescents conceived by reproductive donation: a longitudinal study from age 1 to age 14. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. 2017;58(3):315-324. acamh.onlinelibrary.wiley.com

Related reading

10 Tips for Bonding With Your Baby Born via Donor EggsWhat attachment research shows and practical ways parents build a close bond from pregnancy onward.Read the postWill My Baby Look Like Me If I Use Donor Eggs?How genetics and epigenetics shape resemblance when a baby is conceived with donor eggs.Read the postEgg Donation Explained: Nonidentified, Identified, Open IDHow each type of egg donation works and what it means for future contact between your child and the donor.Read the post