They Told Me I'd Never Have “Children of My Own.” They Were Wrong.

Will my child feel like mine if we don’t share DNA?

If you are considering donor conception, you may have asked yourself this question. It’s one I hear often in the infertility and donor conception community. Now, as a mother to two daughters through egg donation, I can tell you with complete confidence: 

The word I'll never forget

I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure, now known as Premature Ovarian Insufficiency, at 25 years old. In that appointment, I was told I would never have “children of my own.” Those words still stay with me to this day. At that appointment, no one explained that even though I may not be able to have genetically related children, I could still carry a pregnancy with the help of donor eggs. No one walked me through future family-building options or gave me language for what was actually being taken from me. I left believing motherhood itself was completely out of reach.

Redefining what I thought I knew about myself

That kind of diagnosis didn’t just change my medical chart, it changed how I saw my future, my body, and my identity as a woman. I always assumed I had time before motherhood, time to build my nursing career and then decide when I was ready to become a mother. Suddenly, it felt like that choice had been made for me. More than the diagnosis itself, it was the finality of it all that was so devastating. I wasn’t just grieving infertility. I was grieving the life I thought I would have and the version of motherhood I had always imagined for myself.

My path to motherhood 

Years later, I learned that my diagnosis did not mean I would never become a mother. It meant my path to motherhood would look different than I had imagined. Long before I ever knew donor eggs were an option, I had already grieved the loss of a genetic connection to my future children.

My body was their first home

When I became pregnant with each of my daughters, I had the resounding belief that they were mine and I was theirs from the moment I saw the positive beta numbers.

Looking back, I realize I was able to feel so confident in that because I knew my body was their first home. They heard my heartbeat surrounding them before they ever entered the world. They knew my voice.  They were nurtured and protected by my body from the very beginning. If anything, pregnancy only deepened my understanding that I was connected to them in ways that had nothing to do with shared DNA.

What epigenetics taught me

As I walked through my pregnancies, I began learning more about epigenetics, and it gave me a deeper understanding of something I had already started to feel. Epigenetics is the study of how genes can be influenced by the environment around them. While I did not provide my daughters’ DNA, I did provide the environment in which they grew. My body was not just a passive space for them to exist in. It was an active, responsive, and deeply involved part of their earliest development.

I influenced their development

There was something incredibly meaningful about understanding that pregnancy itself matters so deeply. The nutrients my body gave them, the hormones that surrounded them, the safety of my womb, the way my body adapted to grow them.. all of it mattered. I was influencing their earliest development in ways I had never fully understood before. Learning about epigenetics helped put language to something my heart already knew: I was not separate from their story. I was an intentional part of it.

More than just genetics

Understanding the role epigenetics can play in pregnancy does not remove the importance of the role their donors have in each of their stories, nor does it diminish my motherhood. Both can be true. Their donors will always matter, and so will my body that carried them, nourished them, and brought them into the world. For me, that understanding didn’t erase the grief I still carry around the loss of a genetic connection, but it did expand my understanding of what motherhood truly is. It reminded me that motherhood was always more than the narrow definition I was handed at 25 years old. More than just genetics. More than the phrase “children of your own.”

I am their mother in every way that matters

My daughters will always feel like mine and not because we share DNA or even simply because I carried them through pregnancy, but because I am their mother in every way that matters. I have loved them fiercely from before they ever took their first breath. I wipe away their tears, hold them when they are sad, hug them when they are happy and get to witness each day as they grow into the people they were made to be.

If you are standing at the edge of donor conception wondering whether your baby will feel like yours, I want you to hear this from someone who has lived it: yes. Completely, deeply, unquestionably yes.

Let's walk this road together

If you are looking for support as you navigate the donor conception path, the Hopeful Mama Foundation has resources that can support you emotionally, mentally and financially. I founded Hopeful Mama in 2023 from my lived experience.

I had no where to turn, no one to talk to when facing infertility. It was incredibly isolating. When we decided to move forward with donor eggs, there were still no resources, no support groups, no one that could say, “let me walk this road with you.” Hopeful Mama exists to change that.

The Hopeful Mama free donor conception support group meets on the 3rd Thursday of every month at 6 pm CT via Zoom. Register on the Hopeful Mama Foundation website below:

Visit Hopeful Mama Foundation · Follow @hopefulmamafoundation on Instagram

Take the first step with Donor Nexus

If you're just beginning to explore whether donor eggs might be part of your own path to motherhood, our team at Donor Nexus is here to help. Register to browse donor egg profiles or reach out to our team for more personalized support. We're here to answer any questions and walk you through your options.