What I Wish I Knew Before Choosing Embryo Donation

Jackie used to picture her children with her eyes and her partner’s laugh, a face made of both of them combined. That picture never happened. Instead, after years of infertility, she became the mother of two sons through embryo donation. And she says she wouldn’t trade them for the family she once imagined.

Today, when Jackie looks at her sons, she simply sees her family.

“These boys were always meant to be mine,” she says. “Not because they were made from my DNA, but because they are exactly who I’d been waiting for and wishing for.”

A grief that's hard to explain

Like many intended parents, Jackie grew up assuming she’d have a child “the old-fashioned way.” You look at your partner, she says, and picture the best parts of both of you combining into the most perfect baby imaginable.

Then infertility changed that picture. “When you lose the ability to see yourself or your partner in your child, there is a level of grief that’s difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t stood in those shoes,” she says.

Jackie didn’t consider donor conception until after she’d gone through that grief. Over time, though, something changed.

“The grief I had felt before about genetics has evolved. I am not sad about using donors; I am grateful. I am honored that I get to raise my boys.”

Choosing a different path, not settling for one

Jackie is direct about a misconception she wants to put to rest: that donor conception is a consolation prize, a backup plan for people who couldn’t get what they “really” wanted.

“It’s actually quite the opposite,” she says. Building a family this way asked her to draw on a level of strength, determination, and love she’d never needed before. “There is nothing ‘less than’ about building a family this way.”

“It is a testament to just how deeply a child can be loved and wanted before they are ever here.”

Choosing between a child-free life and using a donor made her think about what mattered most. It also meant facing her fears.

“It takes making difficult decisions, being vulnerable, and facing difficult emotions, because your desire to become a parent is stronger than the obstacles in front of you. Nothing about that is ‘settling.’”

Bonds that have nothing to do with biology

If there’s one thing Jackie wants other intended parents to know, it’s this: biology doesn’t build a bond. Love does.

“I cannot actually imagine a stronger bond with my children,” she says.

She says families are built through ordinary moments, wiping away tears, celebrating milestones, and showing up for each other every day. “These everyday moments are what builds a family,” she says.

Looking back, Jackie believes that bond began long before her sons were born.

“Our bond began the day I said yes to using donor embryos. Biology doesn’t make the boys light up when their dad walks into the room; that’s love, that’s their bond.”

Even in quiet moments, rocking a son to sleep at night, feeling him settle against her chest, she doesn’t feel like a biological explanation is missing. “That’s our bond,” she says simply.

The family she was waiting for

Jackie doesn’t see Finn and Felix as a different path to parenthood. She sees them as the family she was always meant to have. “Every loss, every setback, every heartbreaking moment of infertility led me to them," she says. "They are my babies. The ones that healed me in ways they will never know.”

She smiles as she talks about the little things: Finn’s face when she walks into a room, Felix’s laugh when they play.

“I am so filled with love for these boys I cannot imagine how being genetically related could make that love any greater."

Their traditions, their inside jokes, the way they’ll be raised and guided through childhood, none of that depends on shared DNA. “Our fingerprints will be all over who they become,” she says. “They are my sons. They are my family.”

Gratitude, in the end

Jackie says donor conception can bring up a lot of emotions: jealousy, sadness, grief, hope, sometimes all in the same day. But one feeling stands above all the others.

“The feeling I get is overwhelming gratefulness,” she says. “Because of them, my husband and I have our dream family. A family that would simply not exist without their help.”

She’s also grateful that her journey turned out differently than she expected. “It wasn’t how I had envisioned our family building journey to go,” she says, “but I am grateful for the twists and turns we had along the way, because at the end of it all, we made it to the destination.”

As she puts it: “Our sons were always at the end of this road, and I wouldn’t change a single thing about them.”

Ready to explore embryo donation?

If you’re an intended parent weighing donor conception, you don’t have to carry the decision alone. Donor Nexus can help guide the entire process, starting with free access to our embryo bank database, so you can find the match that feels right.